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Murdered By Crows's avatar

Wow, I expected the Roomba to clean house, it had such confidence, but you never know how the audience will connect with your content. It’s a shame they beat the shit out of the little thing after it was right.

If you have a moment, I recommend A Vision in Porcelain on my Substack. I would love your thoughts!

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Jake Varrone's avatar

Thank you for reading, my friend. I’ll check it out!

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Omar's avatar

I chuckled out loud. Very creative. This is like a Rick and Morty sketch.

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Omar's avatar

You’re welcome man. He’s my favorite too. I read that piece as well. I liked it. I enjoy writing that dives deep into something people rarely think about and makes it creative. Taking mundane things and making them interesting.

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Jake Varrone's avatar

Thanks for reading, man. You hit the nail on the head. That's been my approach for the last few years. After Harmon wrote the "Vat of Acid" Episode, and won an Emmy, I watched a behind-the-scenes clip of him being interviewed. He said someone pitched the vat of acid, and everyone said it was a terrible idea. Harmon saw that as a challenge. "No such things a bad idea," he said. "Only bad execution." That really resonated with me.

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Jake Varrone's avatar

Thank you man. Dan Harmon is my favorite. That's a huge compliment :)

Another story I wrote has a similar, Harmonian style. It's called: "I Stand Corrected."

Think you'd enjoy it.

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Lauren Alie's avatar

This put a massive smile on my face on a day being stuck with transport delays, so thank you.

Although the biggest mystery of this story is how a struggling comedian can afford a roomba...

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Jake Varrone's avatar

That makes me so happy. Thanks for reading, Lauren.

Although, you raise a fair point. Allow me to explain.

I forgot to mention that the comedian was the son of Gary Cohen, the CEO of iRobot. See, Gary was a sentimental guy. He always dreamed that his only child would learn the robot business, take over the company, and carry his legacy. The problem was, the comedian had dreams of his own. He didn't like the robot business. He didn't want to be the face of nepotism either. Instead, the comedian wanted to become, well, a comedian.

So, he moved out at 18.

He went to the city.

He got a job at Arby's to make ends meat.

Sorry, I meant "meet*".

Anyways...

Every day, when his shift was over, the comedian would head down to the Comedy Cellar where he'd spend the night selling 100 tickets on the corner of MacDougal and 3rd so that he could earn 10 minutes on stage. It was hard work, and the comedian often thought about quitting. Maybe he should have done what his Dad wanted, the comedian would tell himself, maybe he should've taken the opportunity that was handed to him.

But then one day, the comedian came home after a long day (and night) of hard work.

Sitting on his doorstep was a big brown box. The comedian found this strange, as he didn't recall placing an order on Amazon. Attached to the box was a handwritten note:

"For my son, the comedian," it said. "This gift will clean up your apartment so that you have more time to clean up your act. Please, don't ever quit. I believe in you.

Love, Dad."

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Mel Case's avatar

Feeling so honored that I encouraged the posting of such a solid piece. Keep it up 🩵

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Mel Case's avatar

also it's giving Bo Burnham...

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Jake Varrone's avatar

Thanks for the nudge, and for reading :)

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Ritwik Upadhyay's avatar

Such a cool post about roomba!!

A great read!!

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Jake Varrone's avatar

Thank you man!

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Jack Alexander's avatar

Awesome!

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Jake Varrone's avatar

Thanks Jack!!

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Emma Nelson's avatar

My 8 year old brother has this type of intimate personal relationship with my parents’ Roomba. In fact, I was babysitting him one time and caught him vacuuming with a regular vacuum whilst running not one, but TWO Roombas around the house. Live on Roomba writer, live on.

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Jake Varrone's avatar

I hope neither of his Roombas experience what this Roomba experienced!

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Emma Nelson's avatar

Tragically, I can guarantee they’ve faced much, much worse… 😭

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Jake Varrone's avatar

Oh my… 😮

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Lincoln Phillips's avatar

I agree with your philosophy - Write to Move People. That is why I write and why I give literary meaning to my work.

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Jake Varrone's avatar

Thanks Lincoln. Hope you enjoyed this one

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Lincoln Phillips's avatar

I did. I just joined Substack this afternoon to promote my latest book and to become acquainted with other writers. I will return later in the week - until we meet again.

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Sophie's avatar

I’m glad the comedian didn’t quit comedy. He wasn’t bad, just a little… dusty.

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Jake Varrone's avatar

Ayoooooo

Sophie: 1

Roomba: 0

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